The Mustard Plaster
NUMBER ONCE ONLY
PASADENA, CALIFORNIA, JANUARY' 27, 1927
VOLUME? YES
GREAT SCANDAL IS
REVEALED ‘IN REGARD
TO J. C. ELECTIONS
WE DEDICATE
We dedicate this little paper to the Knights and Knighties of the Royal Order of the
Golden Spade. It is published for the purpose of giving an outlet to the terrific com-
WHEN LITTLE FRESHIES
GROW UP— THEY DON’T
GET MUCH BETTER
By Miss Led
“Know you aught of the scan¬
dalous doing of the various fra- |
ternal organizations of this noble
institution?” inquired the first of
the second.
bustions of childish energy that shake the souls of countless eager students. The wish
is to hurt no one. Every dirty dig is given with a smile and a handshake. Be a sports¬
man. Try the novel sensation of laughing with the world, at yourself, and at your neigh¬
bor. Forget, for the time being, the awful- importance of your position in life and be
one of God’s happy “Four million.”
[ “If we can get all this stuff
j together in two weeks, what can’t
we do in a year?” Let’s meet an¬
nually and tell what we know,”
! so spake the Scribes in unison
after the Mustard Plaster had
“much.”
“Then tell me all,” begged the
first.
“1 shall begin with the first
club organized. It was way back
in the fall of ’24 when the officers
of the young innocent temple of
learning decided that there needs
must be some means of putting
and keeping candidates in office.
The first political faction was
then organized among the men.
Oh, blessed day! Every member
swore to support the party and
then signed the oath with blood.
The club was known as the Are-
opagites.
“Shortly after, the women of
the young school organized a sim¬
ilar faction for a similar purpose.
The name Aeolian was chosen be¬
cause the meaning, ruler of the
winds (or hot air), was in keep¬
ing with the nature of the club.
“Soon, the third club organized
the Phrenocismia, an independent
party, opposed the methods em¬
ployed by the other organizations.
Believing that “music hath
charms,” the Phrenos developed
new methods of campaigning by
intoxicating voters with songs of
the liar.
“When it was time for the next
election, a new faction sprang into
existence. The Sanskrits, under
the direction of one of the best
political bosses of the country, be¬
came influential in putting forth
candidates.
“The new club was quite a blow
to the standing of the Aeolians
and Areopagites, and they decided
to unite. No report has ever
been issued stating which faction
bought out the other.
“The corruption of the place
made it necessary to organize
some Christian associations on the
campus. The Y. W. and Y. M.
C. A. were then organized. At
the same time the Alpha society
came into existence. The influ¬
ence was neglible. The year ended
with as good a start on the road
to political success as any school
usually gets in four years.
“Next fall opened with the
same forces in action. Several
social clubs were organized, but
none of them affected the political
status of the school as much as
theh Scribes. Although they did
not seem very active at the time,
they have since become very
prominent.
“Other clubs organized the
same year were: Chemistry, Ger¬
man, Cosmopolitan, Letterman’s,
Players, and the W. A. A.
“This fall a new factor entered
into the school’s quietude. An
ut-of-town school club known as
the Baccalaureates came into be¬
ing. Unknown was their power
until the last election.
“The Gunaikes, a women’s club,
also proved to be one of the de-
THE DEED IS DONE:
THE RAT IS FOUND
Now that the election has been
satisfactorily exposed we can re¬
turn to our various duties. It’s
a quiet day when someone can’t be
exposed for something. The only
reason more people don’t get ex¬
posed is because they know a
policeman or have a friend in the
Legislature. As the old lady said
to her daughter, “Folks living in
glass houses should dress in the
basement.” If you have no base¬
ment turn Russian and don’t
bathe.
We all regret that the Bradys
sold the Fourth Ward for a mess
of caviar. We regret that Dead-
eye Hearn used undue influence on
the Mexicali Pipe Line Gang. We
are sorry that Scoop Nelson bought
the local Soviet soul and body and
that he inaugurated the infernal
slogan, “Come early and start vot¬
ing.”
The thing that hurts us worst,
however, is the fact that poor old
Max Casey failed to unite the
Homo Rule faction. In his inter¬
view with a Sun reporter this aged
pillar of the Areopagites is report¬
ed to have said, “We know that
they outstuffed us, but there ain't
going to be nothing done about it.”
Such spirit should inspire the
lowly frosh to noble deeds. It is
the spirit of a game loser and a
good winner. It is the spirit that
builds Empires and elects City
Commissioners. Every cloud has
its silver lining; every swamp has
its lily; every election, its scandal.
Then comes the reaction.
’Tis Love” Sighed Qeewee
As He Took a Peep
Into the Little Canoe
DOG CATCHING OFFERS
BRILLIANT CAREER
ciding factors. Rumor hath it
that the name means “Gocd-
necker.”
The Sequoias organized ,but
nothing happened.
Two language clubs also were
formed, the Spanish and French
clubs.
A powerful machine became ap¬
parent when the various clubs or¬
ganized to put candidates into dif¬
ferent offices this year. With com¬
plete control of the press and a
good standing in general, the
Scribes sought numbers to help put
their candidates in office. Readily
theh Baccalaureates joined them.
Two men of great calibre were en¬
tered into the race for office.
“When a Mexicali pipe line was
proposed, the Spanish club joined
the Baccalaureate gang in support¬
ing their candidate. The Chemis¬
try club also came to life at the
time.
“No electioneering was done for
other offices.”
Right well can the modern bards
sing of corruption in school poli¬
tics, “We are far from Plato’s
ideal republic.”
And in a cloud of blue smoke
they vanished.
By Mister Completely
A weak and pallid moon rose
mistily over the steaming marshes.
Now and then a night hawk
screamed harshly, jarring the!
placidity of the tropical silence, j
Slowly, quietly, with scarcely a rip-
pie a slender canoe drifted out into
the open water. Only Qeewee, the
goldfish, heard the langorous sighs
that floated over the gunwale. ;
“Humph!” quoth Qeewee, “ ’S a
warm evening.” So saying, he
threw his tail in gear and prepared
to follow. The canoe drifted stead¬
ily and Qeewee flapped his tail in¬
dustriously keeping close behind.
“Boy, this is well worth while,”
he chuckled. “Home was never
like this.” The canoe drifted on.
The moon rose steadily, as moons
have been known to do. The soft
indescribable perfume of tropical
night drifted across the lagoon, j
The crooning sigh of the gently
swaying reeds gave hints of se¬
crets better left untold. Qeewee
was enchanted. “Now whadda you
think of that?” he said, alluding
to aparticularly choice remark that
splashed into his eager ear. The
canoe drifted on. “I have often
wondered,” said Qeewee, “just;
what love means.” Placing his
elbow on the stern of the little !
craft, he cautiously looked over the]
edge. The canoe drifted on. Qee¬
wee sank back into theh water and :
perspired profusely. “Snatch me
bald,” ho stuttered, “one more look
and I’ll cut my throat.” The canoe
drifted on. The moon rose, as was
its habit Qeewee paddled madly, j
throwing his tail high in the air,
which is ultra finesse in the gold- 1
fish A. A. U. As he paddled he!
sang solftly, “I’d like to pahdul |
my Mahduhlin home. If I could
pahdal some Mahdulin home. I’m
only a fish but if I get m ywish,
I’ll pahdul some Mahdulin home.” i
The moon continued to shine. I
The canoe continued to drift. Un-|
able to resist longer, Qeewee took!
another peek. “Praiziz name,” he
gasped. The sighs had changed]
to soft gurglings and cooings. Then
quite suddenly, a masculine voice i
said desperately, passionately,
“Madaline! Madaline! Stop!” She
answered. Her soft caressing
voice made Qeewee tremble with
delight.
“What is it dear?” Out of the
darkness came the voice of the
abysmal brute.
“In the name of seven pop eyed
devils, stop snoring! You’ve
scared every fish within forty
miles.” And poor little Qeewee
paddled wearily home, stopping
now and then to yawn and let the
moon shine in.
By Miss Led
“Wo must rid the world of these
viscious pests,” declared Wotta
Houndog, local dogcatcher, in a
most interesting as well as instruc¬
tive lecture presented to Orienta¬
tion students, on January 32, this
year.
In his talk, Mr. Houndog em¬
phasized the great opportunities
for service offered in the profes¬
sion of dogcatching, stating that
he had personally brought more
joy to the hearts of the younger
generation than any other man ex¬
cept Santa Claus.
Listing some other advantages
of the profession, Mr. Houndog
stated that the social importance
of a member of the force was un¬
questionable. An active outdoor
life is another great attraction for
young people. Of less importance,
but still worthy of mention, is the
fact that every dogcatcher is pro¬
vided with an automobile.
Qualifications given by Mr.
Houndog are very restrictive. One
must be above the average intelli¬
gence, have a healthy physique,
possess an accurate sense of pro¬
portion, have unlimited courage,
look well in a dark blue uniform
(in order to add a picturesque note
to the city), and command an un¬
limited vocabulary in certain di¬
rections.
However, he added, the latter-
qualification may be developed aft¬
er securing a position.
In recent years the field has
grown in proportion to the increase
of population in Southern Califor¬
nia, according to Mr. Houndog, and
in order to meet the demands of
the present, strict examinations
have recently been inaugurated by
the state. “A dogcatcher must
have a college education if he is
to keep the standard of his profes¬
sion up to that set by college in¬
structors,” stated Mi-. Houndog.
Now If We Did It ,We
We Would Do It Thusly
By Mister Completely
Being of sound mind and in
comparatively good health and in
unusually good fettle we volun¬
teer the following suggestions for
furnishing the Alpha society
rooms. First we suggest chest
exercisers, next, dumb bells,
thirdly, horizontal bars and lastly
but not elastly, the following
motto, “Manhood, not scholarship,
is the object of education.”
Ralph Moslander, small son of
Mr. and Mrs. J. W. Moslander
was saved from an untimely
death when extracted from the
carpet sweeper this morning.
Five years later they met.
Here’s the leter compiled by the
secretaries:
Nobu Kawai, former chief of
police in J. C., states that he is
now connected with the Chicago
force. Mr. Kawai, as he prefers
to be called, drove up in a ack-
ard limousine.
J. Ruskin Lane, a casual laborer,
states that he spent the summer
touring the country. He also
says that hospitality and brakes
aren't all they used to be. Rus
announces that Pasadena is the
best place of all.
Christena Urquhart came dash¬
ing in just in time' to get some¬
thing to eat, and after six dough¬
nuts and ten glasses of cider (a
la Phenocosmia), she spent the
remainder of the afternoon chat¬
tering fast and furious. Among
other things we were able to
grasp that Hearst, after reading-
the Mustard Plaster of January
1927, had offered her a permanent
position on the Examiner staff
as a writer for the Sunday maga¬
zine section. Chris says, not until
just last night when she heard
the old adage, “It takes a thief
to catch a thief,” did it dawn
on her why the Scribes made her
editor of the scandal sheet.
Frances Wakoski, the little
round girl, who has done every¬
thing except roll down stairs
backwards, to get her name in
the paper, at last has arrived.
Here you are, Waski.
Theodore Sierks’ college career
along with his journalism died
ф
a slow lingering death. He is
instigating a channel swim, offer¬
ing as the victors’ reward ten
packages of gum.
Not turning down a chance like
that, Carolyn Bloom, the girl who
helped Wrigley become what he
is today, has been swimming the
L. A. river every morning for the
past two months preparatory to
her big attempt on June 21. She
is already known as the “Helen
Wills of Swimming.”
After attending nineteen dif¬
ferent junior colleges in the last
eight months, Virginia Kemper
became a highly successful writer
of Listerine ads. Her latest,
which she sends to the Scribes
in place of her presence, is: Oft¬
en a sophomore but never a jun¬
ior. Something — elusive, intangi¬
ble, she knew not what, — always
kept that certificate from her.
That is the insiduous thing about
it, etc.”
A letter received from James
Simsarian states that the warden
will not let him come. He signed
his name “Nap.”
Ramarize Dyer has traveled far
and hard, she looked it. The dust
of Mekico, Brazil, and other Ori-
(Continued mi Page Three)
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