KAMPUS ENKWIRER
Doc Slu Marsh, Interim SuperPrex
Doc Ben Dead. Prez, Bored Trustees
Pasadena Area Community College Drawbridge
WEEK OF JUNE 10, 1983
SUPER-PREZ SELECTED
ADA Cuts
Graduation
By Lulu Duckmejian
Retention Editor
In an effort to generate much needed
average daily attendance (ADA), the
Bored Trustees voted unanimously last
night to cancel graduation.
Graduates must remain at PCC for
one more year, or until the college
“becomes financially solvent again,”
said Bored Prez Ben Dead. “This is not
a request, it is a requirement.”
The Bored, however, refused to dis¬
close its plan to enforce the new policy.
“The element of surprise is essential in
this case,” replied Dead, with glazed
eyes and a crooked smile.
“Most of these graduates spent the
past six years attending PCC, what’s
the harm in staying for one more?”
said Bored member Sven Yawn.
“It’s a relatively small thing to ask
when one considers the exquisite gui¬
dance this college has offered students
over the years,” trustee Tad Weary.
'Save Your Fave Teach'
In an attempt to soften the blow, the
Bored initiated the “Save Your Fave
Teach” program, allowing each stu¬
dent to save the job of the instructor of
his choice.
Students must submit a list of their
favorite instructors to the Faculty Lib¬
eration Organization (FLO) by June 13.
FLO Prez Denny Denmark will then
review the lists, and submit his own list
to the Layoff Coalition, which will then
rehire teachers at their own discretion.
“The teachers deserve the support of
the students. After all where would
students be without them?” said Den¬
mark.
Students attending the Bored meet¬
ing did not agree. On behalf of the
student body, Student Trustee Marvin
O’Moldy physically attacked Denmark,
accusing him of conspiring with the
Bored to “make the students suffer for
the gross errors of the big shots.”
Ungrads Must Report
Would-be graduates with transfer
plans must report to their counseling
teams for further instructions. Scholar¬
ships must be sent to Ronny Lotza-
dowe, money matters veep, who volun¬
teered to return the money to the
proper sources.
There will be no refund on caps and
gowns, and Dead instructed students
who purchased them to consider it a
“contribution to the cause, an invest¬
ment in the future of education.”
“The job market is tough right now
anyway. I advise everyone to stay in
school for as long as possible,” said
counselor Will Stearyawrong.
Denmark also proposed that Bored
members and veeps enroll in at least
six units beginning with summer ses¬
sion, Dead threw Denmark out of the
meeting and cried in outrage, “(You)
take classes too. Haven’t we done
enough?”
Radio Man Chosen
Newly elected
By Dan Rattler
Fraud Reporter
Doc Jon Groggy became PCC’s 154th
super-prez after an unanimous vote by
KZOO FM radio yesterday, with the
consent of the Bored Trustees.
Upset at thes radical decision,
Groggy said in an on-the-air rebuttal,
“If nominated, I will secede from the
campus.” Lower staff members of
KZOO convinced him to accept, said
Bored Prez Ben Dead.
“Groggy’s close to the Bored and we
admire his administration of ’ZOO,”
said Dead. “Right now we’d like to
strengthen KZOO by strengthening
PCC. Groggy is the best man for the
job.”
Faculty Pleased
Faculty Liberation Organization
(FLO) Prez Mark Denmark expressed
pleasure in Groggy’s endorsement.
Hazing Healthy!
By Milton Duckbreth, M.D.
Medical Adviser/ Editor
Thousands of medical surveys by
USC and UCLA undergraduate holistic
health majors for five consecutive
years indicate cutting classes re¬
peatedly and on a continual basis ac¬
tually improves a college student’s
mental and physical health.
These surveys, as reported at a USC
Missing Class ’Beneficial'
Three Depts . Reorganized To Eliminate
Unprecedented $3.5 Trillion Shortfall
By S. "Rooky" Schmitz
Special from the Los Angeles Times
Because of the $3.5 trillion budget
crises, several depts., both teaching
and non-teaching, have merged in an
effort to save money on personnel.
Three dept, chairs lose positions.
In a bold new step that is sure to
draw criticism, the Social Science
Dept, has merged with the Janitorial
Dept. Janitorial Dept. Chair Mary-
harold Phhunk heads the new dept, now
called the Sanitation Science Dept.
Social Science Chair Upset
Outgoing Social Science Dept. Chair
Doc Brainiac Mezmo called the de¬
cision “utterly ridiculous. Why, just
last week Phhunk and I were chatting
and I mentioned Nikoli Lenin and the
revolution and Phhunk said it was a
real shame he got shot, that she re¬
membered seeing him on Ed Sullivan
and that ‘Revolution’ was her favorite
Beatle song.”
When asked to comment on Mezmo’s
accusation, Phhunk stated, “Oops.”
She continued, “I remember that con-
"I hope 'der ain't no
rotten feelin's wid
Libowhozitz ..."
— Rocky Blockoff
versation, and we were also talking
about toilet deodorizer king Hank Kis¬
singer, you know, the toilet deodorizer
king from Memphis— -and he says,
‘Yeh, a great Secretary of State.’ How
stupid can you get?”
Mezmo filed an appeal.
Insecurity Takes Over English
In another decision handed down
earlier in the day, the English Dept,
was absorbed by the Insecurity Dept.
English chair Ralph Waldo Libowitz
has also appealed.
New dept, chair Rocky Blockoff said,
“I hope ’der ain’t no rotten feelin’s wid
Libowhozitz. I ain’t no genius or nut-
tin’, but ain’t no standard droppin’
here. I talk good, maybe gooder than
Libo-whatever.”
Libowitz was not available for com-
QUEING FOR REORGANIZATION— Faculty Staff Line Up for Big
Faculty Meeting After Reorganization Endorsed. — staff Photo
cafeteria press conference Monday and
in the October National Hospital
Gazette, show a constant and redundant
lowering in blood pressure, insomnia,
digestion problems and mental block
upon entering a program of attending
only one class session per week and
staying on the program for the entirety
of the semester.
“These results are simply astound¬
ing,” said part-time health teacher Dr.
Melvin Kwakinsky, head surgeon at
Our Mother of Perpetual Motion Hospi¬
tal. “Why, it may have advanced the
cause of collegiate study a trillion
years, or more!”
How This Amazing Discovery Works
The studies show that for optimum
effect a student must first go through
the routine registration and make an
effort to attend the first two sessions of
class in order to keep a seat in his
course.
“However, upon the third class, lec¬
ture antibodies begin to breakdown and
a student who values his health will
promptly forget to show up to that
session,” said Kwakinsky. “Starting in
the fourth week, the patient should
concoct cockinmanny excuses so that
he can maintain his place while main¬
taining his health.”
How You Can Take Advantage of It
The doctor suggests that the best
way to use this program is “stop
thinking.” Said Kwakinsky, “Tests
have proven that thinking not only
cancels out the effects of the program,
it also causes the patient to regress
back to a less healthier state.”
The first step, said Kwakinsky, is to
destroy or sell back all books
purchased for the class and then find
“silly reasons, excuses, rather, to miss
ment about the reorganization.
Chair Leaves for Franchise
In the final action of the day, the
German Dept, has assumed leadership
of the Food Services Dept. Departing
head chef Norton “Cookie” Horton
decided not to appeal the decision.
Horton explained, “All my life I’ve
been a hashslinger. Last month my
cousin Morton asked me to go in
business with him. We’re going to open
up our own restaurant, a real classy
establishment.
“Yessir, how would you feel if you
were part-owner of a Schmuckie’s
Pruneburger franchise . . . It’s what
I’ve dreamed about,” said Horton.
New dept, chair Herrman Heinrich
Himmler said, when asked what
changes would be made, “Guten tag,
wir haben schnitzel und franfurter und
cheeze und crackers. Muy bueno. Auf
wiedersehen. Deutschland uber alles.”
This apparently is only the beginning
of many future mergers between depts.
More info will be available next week.
DISCLAIMER
This ridiculous excuse for a publication is strictly and totally a work
of satire, meant only as a parody of the Campus Crier. National Enquirer
and PCC Courier. All items printed within are 100 percent fraudulent
fiction based on absolutely no facts or truth. Any similarities to names or
identities is purely coincidental and accidental. Any self- respecting
human being caught believing one column inch of this tripe needs serious
psychiatric help in great haste.
InCAR Overthrows AS
Claiming "another victory over racism and imperialism,” the Interna¬
tional Committee Against Racism (InCAR) overthrew the AS governmenl
Tuesday.
InCAR members disrupted Tuesday’s meeting shouting slogans such as
"Revolution Now” and “Multi-Racial Unity for PCC.” When AS members
asked them to leave, many InCAR members laid down on the floor in
protest. AS members became agitated, yelling and swearing at protesters.
Soon the scene turned violent. Fistfights broke out, chairs and tables were
smashed. AS members, outnumbered, were physically ousted from the
room.
‘This is outrageous,” said AS Prez Larry Flubb, "We are an elected body
of student representatives. InCAR is just a radical group out of the
woodwork who think they have answers to all of the world's problems. I
tried reading Marx once. I didn’t understand him at all. They don’t even
dress well.”
AS veep Stebe Stubbel said he had plans to appease InCAR and convince
them to relinquish control of school government. He mentioned offering an
"InCAR Appreciation Week” during the week of May 1, International
Workers Day. He envisions it as a multi-cultural affair with a costume ball.
“People could come dressed as their favorite commie or maybe dance
around the May Pole.”
Stubbel admitted he didn’t know much about Socialism or Communism
and was at a loss when understanding their point of view. He is a staunch’
Republican and has tried to bring to the AS “the sort of policies my man
Ronald Reagan pursues.”
InCAR released a formal statement about Tuesday’s events: “We
consider the AS regime an instrument of the oppressive capitalist
government that chokes and murders Pasadena workers every week. With
such a large minority campus population, why isn’t there racial equality and
fair representation in the student government?
“The workers of the world finally have a chance to see a representative
government in action. We regret violence was involved in the takeover, but
the AS provoked it. From now on, things will be different.”
class after class.”
“A patient must fight the honest urge
to return to class. This can be done by
getting hooked to 'Gilligan's Island’ or
‘Big Valley’ or ‘General Hospital’ in
such a way that you can’t live without
it,” said Kwakinsky.
Student Testimonial
“Like, wow, man, uh, like, I, like, eh,
well, passed my, um, English 14 class
in, um, like, yeah— five semesters, I,
er, think,” said non-major Jeffrey
Rhesus. “And, y’know, like, uh, ...
what was, like, the question?”
“The man’s been here so long he
practically built that instruction-sup-
porting station himself," said Den¬
mark. "He's helped our popular front
immensely."
The Departmental Overseers Assn.
(DOA) Chair Dick Tater agreed with
Denmark. "Groggy has been in¬
strumental in our goals," said Tater.
"The DOA has many suggestions wait¬
ing for Groggy to implement."
Denmark, however, believes Grog¬
gy's first responsibilities are to the
ideas of the FLO. "We generate ADA
(income), not those departmental ov¬
erseers. All they do is sit around and
oversee things," said Denmark.
Veeps Like Him
"He’s just the man the budget or¬
dered," said Ronny Lotzadowe, veep of
money matters. "We know from his
past he doesn't mind working for a low
salary and he's not going to get a high
one with this deficit.”
Veep of Student Biz Captain Kirk
beamed over the news. "Oh, cosmic!
I've always listened to KZOO and it’s
the greatest station in this universe.
His crew does a galactic job.”
Groggy's Plans
“Since I’m forced into this thankless
job, I feel it’s my duty to convert the
administration into a gigantic radio
station," said Groggy. The radio man
believed more ADA would be generated
if “administration were to hold a per¬
petual marathon, asking listeners to
subscribe to our fluid education.”
Said Groggy, instructors would have
to "learn how to talk like disc jockeys
and intro instruction records with op¬
timum smoothness." Such retraining
could take “weeks, but time away
saves us operational money.
“Education must assimilate into the
80s and my cost-effective proposals
does this to our greatest gain,” said
Groggy.
PUBLIC MENACE— This Usually Placid Terrier Is Suspected of Mangling
Innocent Small Animals. Be on the Look Out! — Staff Photo
Perilous Killer Dog
Runs About School
By Kay Nighne
Kennel Master
A killer dog scared four students last
night in the quad, the fourth attack this
week. The Insecurity Office issued a
warning to be cautious when walking on
campus at night, said Insecurity officer
Darryl Grates.
“We’ve got reports that "Tippy" is
dangerous and has caused havoc
throughout Pasadena.” Grates said.
This lethal tetrapod has been wit¬
nessed mauling innocent small animals
and Grates fears “the fleahound may
want human meat next.”
Reward Offered
A $5,000 reward is offered to anyone
with info leading to the canine's cap¬
ture. Local law infection agencies have
increased night patrols, including In¬
security.
“We would hate to have this happen
again. No one sees him, then all of a
sudden he jumps out of nowhere to
scare his victims,” said Grates.
Neighborhood watch programs in
downtown Pasadena will discuss pre¬
cautions that should be taken toward
the killer dog.
Happened Before
"There’s probably more of these
vicious critters roaming around." said
Grates. "If nothing's done soon, these
dogs can ruin society as we know it.
This isn't the first dog problem we've
had. Last year some sick dogs tore up
an Altadena Drive front yard.”
Said Grates, “a pack of perilous
poodles,” possible escapees from
Mdm. Pompador’s Grooming Salon,
attacked the manicured front yard of
one Gloria Simphed of 300 block
Altadena Drive. Said Grates, “They
destroyed five bushes and two flower
beds in an apparent search for soup
bones.”
Grates said the killer dog roaming
the campus may be a son of one of
those "perilous poodles." Evidence of
this is seen, he believes, by its "prac¬
tice of chewing bark off trees around
the mirror pools and a trail of disturbed
trash cans. Those Altadena Drive poo¬
dles pulled the same stunts and un¬
doubtedly trained their offspring the
same way.”
The officer warns this killer dog is
armed, dangerous and should be han¬
dled with "the greatest discretion." If
any public-service-minded student sees
a wiry looking terrier who answers to
Tippy. Grates suggests he "run for a
phone in a high place" and call him at
867-5039.